Sometimes Love Isn’t Enough
Trigger Warning — Self-harm
“They are just feelings. They will go away.” I wish Joey Tribbiani was right. But he wasn’t. He realized that the hard way. I did too.
The feelings don’t go away if they had really existed. No matter where the other person is. I still love him. We were just another couple never meant to be.
I remember our fights over ice cream flavours. My friends always joked…never love someone who doesn’t share your favourite ice cream flavour. What did we do? I just had the strawberry part and he the vanilla part of twin-in-one ice cream. That way we could still have our favourites and still share an ice cream. We just made our ways around the not meant-to-be’s.
He was super rich. Me-from a middle-class family who had to get a part-time job to pay her way through college. He belonged to sophisticated restaurants, pretty mansions, and V.I.P. lounges. I belonged to 2 room apartments, dhabas, and economy class.
On our first date, he took us to our favourite cafe, where we had first met. After getting my first salary from my first full-time job, I took us for dinner in a 4-star restaurant and after an intense fight on who gets to pay, he finally let me. “All for that smile”, he murmured when he thought I wasn’t listening.
He always wanted to buy me a car. I fought with him for hours over that. 2 years later I bought a motorbike. He said it was “unsafe”. I said it was mine. The next day he took me to a rooftop restaurant, “To celebrate your favourite possession”, he said. “Second favourite”, I smiled as I gazed into those eyes that held so much love for me. But sometimes, maybe love isn’t enough.
He proposed to me in my favourite restaurant with a strawberry and vanilla cake and a platinum ring. 2 months later he left me.
I remember our last day spent together. Vividly. He asked for my ring. After I reluctantly gave it to him he said, ”You are no longer engaged to me. Find your meant to be.”, he said not looking at me. Back then I begged him to not leave me. I didn’t understand the cold guy who broke up with me. I didn’t understand where that love he had for me disappeared. He told me, “I am in love with someone else. I am sorry.” He left after that. If only I saw his tears that day. If only I realised his moodiness over the past days wasn’t just moodiness. If only I understood him as he understood me.
I remember having ice cream alone in my bed crying and wondering what went wrong. I had decided to visit him the next day. I wanted….no, I needed some closure. Maybe he did find someone he loved more than me. But even then I needed to know what went wrong. If only I hadn’t waited. If only I hugged him and asked him what was wrong.
The next day the first thing I did was drop by his penthouse. I had brought all the things he had in my apartment. I needed to return them. And I needed to see him. At least for one last time. Back then, I didn’t understand the intensity of that statement. I knocked at his door several times, but he never answered. I decided to use his apartment key I had, knowing that it was probably a breach of his privacy, especially since he broke up with me. I am glad I did.
The penthouse was eerie quiet. I decided to leave the bag with his belongings on the counter. But a shuffling noise from the bedroom stopped me. I slowly crept over to the bedroom and that’s when I saw him. Lying on his bed. He had a bottle consisting of some pills in his hand. I rushed over to his barely conscious state with tears flowing endlessly down my cheeks.
The ambulance arrived in a few minutes and they took us to the hospital. For the next few minutes, I held his hand. I did not want to let go. I still remember the moment his hand goes limp in mine. They told me it was too late. I refused to believe them. I refused to believe my only reason to live wasn’t there anymore.
They say when someone leaves you by choice it’s the hardest to bear. They are not wrong. Except maybe they weren’t talking about us.
He passed away on the 13th. We had always made our way around the not meant-to-be’s. But sometimes you can’t make your way around the not meant to be’s. And neither could I without him. I wished I could talk to him one last time. I wished I could stop him. I wished I could hug him and never let go. I wished I didn’t blame myself.
He had left me an envelope. The cops found it in his room later during investigating and passed it onto me. I didn’t open it for a long time, probably because it would be the last time he would ever be with me. When I finally opened it, I found a letter. From him. To me.
‘So you did find this letter mi amor. It isn’t your fault if you’re still blaming yourself. I had always been this depressed moody kid. My parents’ divorce or the school bullies didn’t exactly help. As I grew up, I changed into this quiet brooding weird kid with who no one wanted to be friends. When I inherited my Dad’s business I had a lot of people wanting to be my friends or more….but I knew it wasn’t because they genuinely liked me. You were the only one. I thought maybe falling in love with you would be enough, and for a long time, it was. But my insecurities kept playing out. I always felt I wasn’t good enough even when you repeatedly told me otherwise. Yesterday my Dad called. He was disappointed over some business deal I let go of. He told me some things that stung more than ever. Maybe I am weak, maybe I am an idiot, but I did realise no matter what I do I will never be good enough. Not good enough for you. Not good enough for anyone else. And maybe it’s best to let go. Today I will ask for your ring. Please don’t cry. Your tears break my heart.’
You know, I fell for you the day you crossed your arms and asked me to ‘fuck off’. I fell for you, even more, when you refused my gifts, but accepted my flaws. I don’t know how long it has been since I am gone. Knowing you, I can never tell. Do you still stop by our favourite donut store before heading to your office? Do you still bring stray cats home? Did you find your meant to be? Does he love you as much as I did? Are you engaged or do you still wear my ring? ( You kept it, didn’t you?) If you have already moved on, burn this letter. If you haven’t, burn this anyway. Oh also, wear a burgundy dress and dance to our song one last time in the club we went to on our first year anniversary. I love you, forever and always. Find your forever. Just remember I will be with you when you get married. I will be there when you get your dream job. I will be there with you when you feel alone. Maybe not physically. But our connection will never break.’
Today I am finally okay. Maybe not fully. And I know I never will be either. Maybe my heart is missing a part, but it still beats. I haven’t moved on yet. But I know I will someday. Do I ever regret what happened to us? Yes. I wish every single day that I could have stopped him. But do I regret meeting him? No. I am glad I had met my ‘knight in shining armour’. Maybe it wasn’t always roses for us, but what we had was for real and I loved every moment of it. Some feelings never go away. Today I don’t blame myself as much. Yet I can’t stop myself from thinking about the what if’s and if only’s.
Some things are just not meant to be. But some not meant to be’s are worth fighting against. And I am glad we at least fought for a while.
“Sometimes Love Isn’t Enough” won Second Place on the ARMY Writer’s Club April Writing Competition.
About the author:
Twitter ID: @skye_arius
Instagram ID: @arius._.writes
I am 18, I love writing and reading. And of course I love listening to music.